In 1941, Henry Luce proclaimed the 1900s would be remembered as the "American Century." By most objective standards, he was correct. Our nation was the wealthiest, boasted the strongest military, had the best schools and was liberal democracy's great counterweight to communism.
The first 12 years of this century, however, have sucked.
This century has featured terrorist attacks, constant war and financial meltdowns across the world. For the first time since the 1970s, people can fairly question whether their life prospects will be better than those of their parents.
Unless the world ends in December (per those pesky Mayans and their calendars), there's plenty of time to improve this century. Luckily, we have visionary leaders such as Newton "Leroy" Gingrich, who want America to go the basics.
By basics, I mean space. After all, we beat the Soviets into space, right? Some say the reason for the collapse of the Soviet Union was because of complex geopolitical realities and overly stretched military spending.
That's hogwash. All "Real Americans" know the Soviet Union ended because Ronald Reagan beat up Mikhail Gorbachev at 200 miles in altitude.
We bested everyone once in space. Why not go back to where we're the best?
To fix our problems, let's build a colony on the moon. After dealing with the Decepticons on the dark side of the moon, we might even be able to paint the entire moon with the American flag.
As soon as it's up and running, let's send a man to Mars. Before you know it, we'll be discovering Endor and Tatooine.
Only these great projects can restore American confidence and assure our people that we're the best.
Now, I know, this might sound like a bad idea to some of you lesser mortals. In the spirit of my infinite wisdom, I'm going to preemptively answer a few questions that you're all sure to have:
Q: Don't we have better things to spend our time on than building a colony on the moon?
A: No. Our nation's government is not in 15 trillion dollars of debt. Our economy is fundamentally sound. Our government treats all citizens according to their rights and with a basic sense of respect for their dignity. What better things could we have to work on than a sweet colony on the moon? Also, money isn't a problem because it literally grows on Mars.
Q: In "Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century," they have working electric cars, sweet shuttles that take people easily into space, an amazing space station, and awesome technology. Will building a moon colony help us get there faster?
A: Yes. Just as giving away basic freedoms like the right to due process or habeas corpus keeps Americans safe, building a moon colony is the only way to ensure that we can have sweet technology as soon as possible.
I'll go a step further and say that only a moon colony will ensure that we have an iPhone 10 by 2020.
Unless the government decides to do something, nothing is possible. Thank the good Lord we have political leaders like Newt Gingrich with the vision required to think up big ideas for our country.
Stop.
Hopefully, you realized the satirical nature of this piece before you saw the Star Wars references. Space is the final frontier, but we don't need to have it explored by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.
There is ample reason for private entities to explore space. You don't have to be a science fiction fan to appreciate the scientific advances special exploration would encourage. Better yet, the American public doesn't have to pay to see them.
Politicians like to say the rich don't pay their fair share. That may be the case, but it's far from the whole story. The basic reality of government is that the middle class ends up paying for projects they don't need. A bunch of lawyers in Washington, D.C. decide they want to do something, and the cost can be damned.
That might work when the economy's booming, unemployment's low and other nations are still recovering from World War II. It doesn't work when Brazil, India and China are rapidly growing.
There was an excellent time to explore space. It was called the Cold War.
I don't believe we need to beat al-Qaida or Iran to the moon anytime soon.
If the benefits of exploring space make sense, someone will explore space. If the benefits aren't good, there's no need to explore.
Leave government to mess up the Earth. They do a good enough job of that for us all.
Justin Green is a senior political science and history major. he blogs at huskerred.tumblr.com. reach him at justingreen@dailynebraskan.com.
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